The Darwin Diaries

The other night, Angus and I were lying in bed. He was working on his laptop and I was mindlessly flipping through the channels on TV, hoping for some shred of interesting television. While scanning the movie channels I saw a glimpse of skin and hit the back button. After all, I’m not opposed to a little soft core porn on Skinemax, especially if it gets Angus off the damn computer!

Needless to say is was soft core, cheesey type action, but for some reason it demanded our attention. We watched, we giggled and then laughed out loud at some of the antics. No one can accuse of NOT having a sense of humour!

We shut it off after a few minutes (as there is only so much cheesie-ness a person can stand) and he went back to work and I picked up my kindle. The problem was now we were not focused on what we were doing. We were still laughing about the skinemax show and that just led to fits of giggles until we finally fell asleep.

The past two days, we have taken it upon ourselves to joke about some of the things we saw and heard and have taken the liberty of adding our own ‘unique’ style to it. We have been doing this in email and mostly as a contest to see who can come up with a more bizzare scenario than the last. Today however, my dummy husband screwed the pooch. big time. While messing around in email this morning, he goofed and sent it out as a mass email to a bunch of people who now probably think we’re the biggest and most screwed up perverts EVER.

*bangs head*

So to my ever adoring husband… THINK before you hit SEND.

I have banned him from emailing as punishment!

you may not feel it, but you wake up one day and realize everything is changed. Sadly, some of changes lately are irreparable and there is no going back. They can’t be mended, much less fixed. Things I thought were a constant in my life, I can no longer count on. On one hand, this saddens me a great deal, but on the other, I realize it’s left room for more doors to open and explore and I no longer feel as if I’m bound by black and white thinking.

As sad as I am about the end of one thing, I’m excited by the freedom the ending has given me.

Another subtle shift is the way Evy has been since we’ve returned from Mass. She’s been more open and communicative. She been coming to me on her own if she starts having dark thoughts and I try to listen more attentively. She’s given less of that teenage attitude and while it still rears its ugly head from time to time, she’s been more… Aware of it and tries to tone it down. I’ve been yelling less, even under the stress I’ve been experiencing and the depression that seems to have its claws in me. Perhaps we’ve a small plateau? Maybe even an understanding?

I can’t say for sure, but things are different with her. Better than they were and it lessens the sadness I feel about the end of other things.

Today is Evy’s birthday. The day itself has been wonderful… We started with pancakes for breakfast, then we went to meet with her new tutor. Her tutor is a lovely lady and Evy really clicked with her. They meet again Thursday and will continue the sessions twice a week for the duration of the summer.

I also had my first appointment with my own therapist today. it went surprisingly well. I was worried I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to her, but it was easy and natural. I left feeling that maybe the things that have been happening in my life that I can’t cope with CAN be dealt with. At the very least, I hope to be able to get through what’s coming down the pike with Evy’s family. A big part of my issue is that whole scene and what was done to Evy those two years she lived with her father. How can I not go a little crazy when I think of it? The hate runs deep there. I just have to remember that it’s Evy’s fight and follow her lead. When she’s ready, she’s ready. End of story.

After therapy, I came home and helped Evy finish priming the bed Angus made her and got started on sanding so we can paint it. It’s going to be beautiful when it’s done! I can’t wait to take her to pick out the bedding for it!

Because it’s her birthday, she wanted cheeseburger pie for dinner, so of course I made it, lol. Then it was cake and trip to Sonic so she could get an Oreo Blast. Tomorrow, she see’s Chelsea to get her hair done so she’s ultra excited about that!

All in all, it was a good day and I need to remember and focus on the fact that Evy is safe, Angus loves me even if he does spout off with stupid shit once in a while and most importantly, it’s MY family and I’m blessed everyday to have them. The people who want to ‘critique’ have never walked in my shoes and had to make the choices I’ve made. They don’t matter to me. The only thing that matters is MY family and their well being.

Each day I wake and try to be positive. Every day I’m slapped with reminders of just how much I lack and how often I fail. Every night I go to bed exhausted, on the verge of tears and feeling very alone. Every day is a battle to find some shred of worth to my life and all I can find nothingness.

I’m so tired of feeling this way.

The insults keep flying. I took the medication as prescribed, with the understanding it’s take few days to adjust to everything.

This morning, I’m comfortably numb, but cleaning. Angus apparently doesn’t like me on meds. He says I look strung out and drugged. I haven’t bothered to even look in a mirror, so he may be right in that regard. Again he asked WHY I needed to take this cap and how in a few weeks I should be back to me, but better. More focused and better able to handle my anger and stress. That’s when he let the insult fly and he was dead serious.

Apparently a year ago, I turned into an uptight cunt.

So, not only am I a ‘Huge bucket of fail as a parent’ with ‘zero parenting skill’ and I’m ’screwing up my kid even worse’, I’m an uptight cunt that doesn’t know how to be fun or have fun.

Maybe I shouldn’t take the meds. Maybe I should. Should I even bother with therapy?? What the fuck is wrong me that I’m wearing these labels and they were given to me by people I love? Can’t they even come up with on GOOD aspect of my personality or is anything that WAS good at one time completely gone??

It’s funny… I came home the other day and I felt good about coming home. I felt safe again and now I find out I’m not.

I just want to run. be alone. Leave everything and everyone behind. There really isn’t anything good in me anymore. They would all be so much happier.

After my doctor asked me what was wrong and why I was seeing, I burst into hysterical tears. She waited patiently for me to finish and asked again. I managed, between the tears, to choke out that I’m angry ALL the time, that I can’t breathe, get chest pains, cry for no real reason and have basically lost my damn mind. One the bright side, I told her, I’m starting therapy on Tuesday. She just looked at me laughed.

Oddly, she said that I’m depressed. I tried to argue that I’m NOT depressed, just ANGRY and she went on to explain that extreme irritability and mood swings like I’ve been experiencing are symptoms of depressions. combine those with the other physical symptoms and BOOM. I gotta case major case of it.

She gave something called Paxil (not sure of the spelling). She said it’s an anti-depressant with little side effect and is considered one of the safest out there. she started me at the lowest dose and she’ll monitor it every month. The only drawback, she said, is that it takes a few weeks for it to really get in my system and for me to notice any effect, so wrote me another prescription for Atavan (?) to take a couple times a day or as needed until the Paxil kicks in.

I’m officially a zombie. The good news is that maybe now with some sort of medication, and with therapy, I can start to manage this more clearly and effectively. Good lord, I never thought I’d see the day where I be considered depressed and have to take meds.

I just feel so weak.

In other news, Evy spent the night at Demon child’s house last night. Demon child had gotten a present for Evy for her birthday and wanted to give it to her, lol. I probably shouldn’t call her Demon child as in some instances, she can be nice and even sweet, but her attitude in general is atrocious. I can’t understand why she’s like that as both her parents are lovely people and genuinely caring and kind. it’s bizzare. Just goes to show that maybe it’s NOT always the parents, but something about the child. Anyway, when Evy gets back, she’ll finish sanding the bed that Angus made her and start painting it. She’s actually excited about this project. She started sanding yesterday and took a break after an hour, complaining about how hard it is, but she was happy to do it too. strange.

I also spoke to Tonya last night. We’re making plans so Angus, Evy and I can go up to her and Jude next weekend!!!

It’s clear to me, especially after my trip North, that I need more help with my anger and anxiety issues than the occasional sit down with Evy’s therapist.

I have secured my own therapy and am seeing a Doctor today about the possibility of taking a mild anxiety medication.

I can’t manage my life and be a better example to my child if I’m carrying this much anger, hatred and resentment. Perhaps this will help.

I finally broke down in tears yesterday morning on the way to my Grandmothers. Everything that I had been trying to handle the past two weeks had finally gotten to me and I peaked. In fact, I cried all the way down the Mass Pike and on and off for the rest of the day. I hate to cry.

I couldn’t leave fast enough. Evy was beside me in the car and the one thought racing through my head was ‘I just want to go home’. Once I crossed that Mason Dixon line, it was instantaneous… the calm, the security… the safety I craved. The on again/off again tears stopped and I knew everything would be OK.

The rest of the drive was uneventful and I pulled in our driveway as the sun was coming up. The dogs greeted me, waiting for their snacks, Angus had cleaned the house beautifully and perfectly for me, and Evy passed out in her room after saying hello to her bunny and hugging me good night. After two long, horrible weeks, I was able to finally climb between fresh sheets in my own bed, in my own world. I curled up next to my husband, content and happy and I felt his hand pet my head while he mumbled ‘You’re home’.

And I was.

The past two weeks have been the black, rotten cherry pit sitting on top of the perfectly good hot fudge sundae life I’ve been able to live. It’s no secret I despise the state of Massachusetts. Most people have no clue as to why I hate being in this state and really, no one NEEDS to know the particulars. While what’s left of my family and my friends are the bright spots to coming here, being in this state does strange and awful things to my soul.

In two weeks, I have been responsible for my grandmother, who has Dementia. I have been involved with drama concerning my daughter and her father. I have been in more police stations giving statements and interviews than I ever though possible. I have been snubbed, insulted, critiqued, and have been ‘found’ lacking in just about aspect of parenting possible and from a man that has NO children whatsoever and who claims to be a ‘friend’. In fact, I was told OVER and OVER by him (in front of my daughter no less) exactly HOW bad of a parent I am.

Joy.

I was supposed to go home tomorrow, but as soon as Evy gets back from her day with her Aunt, I’m out of here and heading home.

To my friends that tried to show me the bright spots to be being here, thank you… but I will never set foot in this state again. It is pure poison.

I’m not quite sure how Angus and I got on the subject last night, but I know at some point, I had made a request for a new nickname. After all, ‘Homey Pie’ and ‘Humpity Bird’ are hardly what you would call endearing terms of affection.

Me: Seriously? You can’t think of something more romantic?

Angus: I could call you ‘Funky Funnel Cake’!

Me: *glares at Angus* And I would have to kill you. That in itself just implies that my funnel cake is funky. I know you can come up with something better than that!

Angus: Well, that’s the best I can do for now Darlin’.

Me: Bullshit! You have cute little nicknames for all your other friends! I want one too! How about something with a fruit in it? It just can’t be blueberry sugar t***. That’s for Parts Girl, lol.

Angus: How about Raspberry Rump Cake?

Me: *bangs head*

I think at this point, I should just learn to live with ‘Homey Pie’ and ‘Humpity Bird’.