Because I can’t think of one that could even begin to convey this entry.

I seem to be in a very dark place these last few days… too much, too fast, and old feelings are resurfacing that are just ugly. Loss seems to be all around me, in almost every aspect of my life. My mother, my son, my daughter, and now I’m facing new and upcoming losses.  It’s too much to process right now and no amount of work will bury it or keep it at bay.

My mouth is filled with blood and the taste is making me nauseous. I have no idea why my mouth is bleeding, but all I can think of is that the rot inside of me is bubbling to the surface again, and I don’t know how to stop it.

I want to cry and I can’t.

All I can do is bleed.

Jesus… I think I have finally lost my mind.

In the immortal words of Jim Morrison, no eternal reward shall forgive us now for wasting the dawn.

I have wasted so much of this life and there is no forgiveness for that.

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Well, my daughter turns fifteen tomorrow at 7:21 am… odd to think that she’s almost grown and will be a sophomore in September. Even to odder to realize I haven’t set eyes on her in almost two years and haven’t spoken to her in close to one year. I can’t even remember the last time my family has seen her… probably just as long.

Anyway… Happy Birthday Evy. I hope you have a great day and get to enjoy being 15. I love you…

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So while I was in Mass and running around dropping off donations in Monson and Brimfield, I swung by the house I grew up in. My Grandmother had fixed it up and sold it a year or so after my mother died, and the people she sold it to still own it and live there. They’re nice people, and they let walk around and even invited me in so I could see some of they changes they made… My old room brought back some memories and the teenage boy who lives in it now asked if I had ever snuck out out the sliding glass doors when I was a kid. Of course, I told him yes, lol. My mother’s room belongs to his younger sister, and the loft is where their parents stay… They opened up the kitchen so it all flows into the eating area by the fireplace my grandaddy built and surprisingly, they even had a wood stove, similar to the one we had when I was growing up. They said it’s their primary source of heat in the winter, just like it was ours at one time. They even re-did the downstairs bathroom and extended it out so they could put in a normal size bathtub and linen closet, lol. Oh, and it’s no longer that god awful bordello pink my Grandmother loved… it’s now a nice muted shade of green and it has a door now instead of a curtain, lmao!

It was interesting filling them in on little fun facts about the house… like the front deck that sat over the old root cellar before we had to fill it in, and the little pond across the way that I used to ice skate on when I was little. The tree where my old tire swing was is still there and so is the tree in the back field where my cousin was buried (because back in the day, you could do that apparently.) Some of our old neighbors are still there like the Haley’s, the Hufaults, and even the Birchenoff’s and the DiGregorio’s! The little barn where I had my horse is still there too and they added a chicken coop right next to it. Even the french doors on the front porch are the same. They filled in the heart shaped duck pond my Grandmother had made and removed all the big rocks behind the house by the cellar though… I was disappointed to see the big flat rock gone. That was where my Grandmother would read to me when I was tiny little.

Was sort of trippy going back in time like that. So much is the same, but at the same time, it’s all so different. I don’t think I’ll ever go back there…

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All I can say is that anything that could have gone wrong last week, did. After nearly a 10 hour drive at night during thunderstorms along the Mid-Atlantic, I finally stopped in CT, got a room and finished the trip up last Friday morning. The drive home was worse. A drive that normally takes 8 hours (in good weather and no traffic) took over 12, thanks to MORE storms and heavy traffic through 95 south in CT and NYC. I finally got home after 2 am Saturday morning, only to find the dogs running around outside, with no access to food or water. Angus had left for N. Carolina Thursday am, and the person who was supposed to taking care of the dogs clearly dropped the ball. I brought the dogs in, gave them fresh water and food and surveyed the ‘damage’. The liquor bottles were out, as well as a half gallon of orange juice, and the ashtrays were overflowing. Seems as if people could come on in and drink, but couldn’t be bothered to actually take care of the dogs. The the rest of house didn’t look much different from the way I left it, so I suppose that was a good thing.

I finally took a bit of a nap and was up at 7 to check my plants and garden. Thanks to extreme heat and no rain, most were half dead, with some completely dead. I had initially planned on heading right to NC for Maker Faire, but after seeing what happened with the dogs, I decided it would be best to just stay home. Naturally that didn’t pan out so well… I got the plants and garden taken care of as best I could, and got the dogs settled and headed on down to Raleigh, arriving in the early afternoon. By my estimate, I had now been driving in a car for over 15 hours, on an hour and half of sleep. Regardless, I had a blast at Maker Faire! I was able to spend time with Mandy and her family and finally got to see pookie for the first time in over a week! I also scored an awesome polka dot chair!

We drove home from NC yesterday afternoon. According to my calculations, since 6:30 am on Friday morning until 3pm yesterday was a total of 56 hours. 10 hours of the 56 were spent sleeping. 46 of those 56 hours were spent awake. 19 of the 46 hours I was awake was spent driving. When I finally arrive home, I discovered that Goldi-locks had been playing in our house again, and found shards of broken glass all over the kitchen floor and a few other things. I’m still not sure what happened or who or what was responsible, but I have decided it’s not going to happen again. Like I told Pookie, I can replace dead plants, broken knick-knacks and other such things… but I can’t replace our dogs. There is girl that lives down the street that does pet sitting for some of our neighbors. She stops over to play with Frank nearly every afternoon, so I’m hoping she will be interested in taking care of them along with some general house sitting duties and plant care.

From now on, this house needs to be closed up tight when we leave and I hate having that mentality… but I just can’t seem to trust people when they say they’re going to do something, and I can’t trust them to take care of our home either. It’s pretty sad that since I came home Saturday, I’ve been contemplating installing ‘nanny cams’ around the house.

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Dear John(and any other potential guests):

Angus informed me yesterday that I would be missing the pleasure of your visit this coming Sunday, as I will be in Massachusetts chasing after the lady with the brain plaque. I’m sorry I’m going to miss your visit, and hearing about the plans for the up-coming Maker Faire. Truth be told, I’m terribly jealous that you all will be having fun without me. *insert sad, weepy face here*

But I am mostly sorry about the condition of the house you will be visiting. You see, I have not had much time for house cleaning this past week, and the dust and dog drool bunnies have staked their claim on nearly every surface. There may or may not be science experiments growing in the fridge and the bathrooms, but if there are and they look interesting enough, feel free to investigate their potential uses. You may be able to discover new antibiotics to unveil at Maker Faire and become a gagillioaire! I also apologize deeply for my floors. At the moment, they would turn an Albino’s feet black as the ace of spades. I also hope the smell of dog doesn’t offend you… with the house closed up and the AC running, it will not be aired out properly. I suggest not not breathing too deeply or wearing some sort of filter over your nose and mouth, and please ignore the 50 gallon drums of Belvedere and Crown Royal Black sitting in my Kitchen, as they help me cope.

The yard is less than desirable at the moment, and I fear it’s condition could worsen by the time you arrive. I was out there this morning to water my babies, and noticed mowed up trash, and thousands of corona caps littering the yard. I wonder if the caps could be collected and sold for scrap metal? Again, the possibility of becoming a gagillionaire is likely should that be the case. I did pick up a few empty bottles left out by the fire fit however. Speaking of which, don’t let the pieces of dry wall sitting on top of the burn pile concern you, I truly had no idea it wouldn’t burn. I suppose it will makes it’s way to the dump eventually.

I have no explanation for the current state of the shop, garage and mantown except to say… well… nothing. I’m just soooo very sorry.

You see, I had half thought that I should find the time to clean before I left, but experience has taught me that when I leave Angus home alone to his own devices, his alter-ego, Pig-pen, surfaces and takes over. I decided that it would be best to save my aggravation and energy and just clean everything properly when I return home next week. Now I am ashamed and embarrassed, because our home is usually spotless; more so when we are having company. I promise we truly do not live like slobs. You will just be catching it on a bad day.

I should also apologize in advance for Frank and drool he may shake on you (check you hair, wear protective gear and bring a roll of paper towels to dry yourself off) and for his and Desdemona’s predilection for begging. They act like they have not eaten in years, but don’t let them fool you – the size of these beasts alone should dictate how well they are fed. Desdemona is a bit crotchety (she is 16 after all) but can act rather puppy-ish. I should warn that she feels at no time is it acceptable for you to pay attention to or feed Frank in her presence. She has this commandment carved in stone. I hope you understand that she’s truly not mean- she’s just an attention whore.

Anyway, you have my sincere apology and I truly hope you have a great time with Angus discussing all things Maker Faire.

Jax

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While the article that I wrote about prior to this was laced with a high doses of ‘MORON’, the article it segued into was clearly written by a Harlequin Romance Writer reject with a chemical dependence on roofies.

I mean, seriously… I bet the writer had a few restraining orders and was institutionalized at one time. At the very least, they are single and haven’t gotten laid in years.

But let’s take a look at this ridiculousness on how to put the fire back in your sex life and get laid more!

Fist up, we have this winner:

The Problem

You’re Always Tired. When it comes to sex, exhaustion can be a major mood-killer. A recent survey found that 41 percent of married women would choose an extra hour of sleep over hanky panky with their hubby. As we hit midlife, a screaming baby, work stress, fluctuating hormones and hot flashes can all make shut-eye harder to come by.

And her solution is this gross piece of negligence:

If you find yourself dragging through the day, then waiting until bedtime to have sex almost guarantees no nookie, says certified sex therapist Suki Hanfling. Instead, choose a time when you’re more awake, such as in the morning or on the weekend after a nap.

I can tell you in all honesty, that waking me up in the morning by poking me in the ass and telling me it’s time to have sex will get a motherfucker killed. Do not grab my boobs, grope my crotch and breathe your nasty ass morning breath all over me. I will cut a bitch who has the nerve to wake me up just for sex.

If people are too tired, they are simply to tired and scheduling sex before they’ve even had their morning coffee and brushed their teeth is not sexy or fun. And on the rare occasion I do actually nap, the same rules apply. If I’m tired enough to need a nap, I’m clearly to tired for ‘nookie’. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather get laid once a year on the rare occasion I’m not exhausted than suffer through this shit! Quality over quantity baby! (being alert and happy would be helpful as well.)

The Problem

Sex Isn’t Enjoyable. As women enter into perimenopause, they may have a tough time getting or staying lubricated. This can make sex less enjoyable or even painful. According to Stacy Tessler-Lindau, M.D., director of the University of Chicago’s Program in Integrative Sexual Medicine, this is one of the most common sexual concerns for women over 40

Dumb Ass’s fix? This bullshit:

Luckily, the lubrication issue is very treatable, and estrogen, in the form of hormone replacement therapy, is effective. If that’s not an option, says Tessler-Lindau, then don’t be afraid to experiment with silicone- or water-based lubricants. Regular sex or masturbation may also help keep things supple and moist.

That’s right folks… to keep your cooter ‘supple’ and ‘moist’, you must take hormones, use lube, masturbate and HAVE MORE UN-ENJOYABLE SEX! Probably first thing in the morning too.

Now, I get the whole chemical thing with peri-menopause and such. Cooters can dry up like beef jerky (and probably smell just as nasty too), but any half-wit woman who’s had something in her vag, knows lube is key. Something else that helps keep things fresh like a rain forest is actually being HORNY! I love how that aspect was completely left out of the equation. Try not poking her in the ass first thing in the morning, brush your god damn teeth, and sweet talk her a little before you start groping at her. TURN her the fuck ON so she enjoys watching you sweating and grunting like an animal(or at the very least, doesn’t care). Or, in case I need to be more direct, learn how to lay her properly. As for masturbation, I highly recommend that anyway.

Moving on, we come across this issue:

The Problem

You Don’t Feel Sexy. In a Penn State survey of women between the ages of 35 and 55, 21 percent could not name one body part of theirs that they found attractive. The less appealing a woman felt, the more likely she was to report a decline in sexual desire or activity during the past 10 years.

*bangs head*

The quickest way to feel better about yourself? Exercise regularly—and not just to get rid of love handles. Physical activity increases feel-good chemicals in the brain, lowers stress and anxiety and boosts self-esteem. And this, in turn, can lead to a healthier sexual appetite, says Weiner-Davis.

Because the best way for someone to feel good about themselves after being woken up at the ass crack of dawn so they can have un-enjoyable sex with morning breath, is haul their fat asses to a gym before they go to work, raise the kids, make dinner, do the laundry, run errands, have a life, so they can go back home to get their measly 4-5 hours of sleep so they can wake up at the ass crack of dawn with something poking them in the ass AGAIN… because the endorphins you get get from working out now means you will at least feel ‘sexy’ when you have that un-enjoyable sex with morning breath at the ass crack of dawn. It’s really just a vicious cycle here.

If you really want feel sexy, LIKE yourself.  It’s really that simple. And  Men, sometimes you should just tell her that you think she’s still hot… stretch marks, cellulite, stomach bulge and all, because really? That beer gut covering your balls isn’t exactly making her drop her undies for you either. If you expect her to look like Paris fucking Hilton, you best be hiding Robert Pattinson under that beer belly of yours.

The Problem

Your Desire Ebbs. The Penn State survey also found that even women who had lost their desire said that when they did have sex, they enjoyed it. So why don’t they do it more often? According to Hanfling and Weiner-Davis, women’s desire does not always come before sex. While women can have strong sexual urges, they usually need to be aroused before they’re in the mood for sex—especially as they get older.

Holy Shit! You mean to tell me that women need to be aroused before you grab her tits, and poke her with your three inches of dangling fury??

This issue can be tricky for couples who have fallen into a rut, explains Hanfling, because a woman also has to feel like she can say no if, after giving things a go, she’s still not in the mood. Her advice is this: Be open to each other’s advances, and communicate, in a loving way, what feels good.

This is just pure fucking gold right here folks… Sometimes, we just aren’t in the fucking mood, so back the hell off.

Of course she addressed other issues and offered up similarly stupid solutions along with what can only be described as ‘Common Sense for Dummies’, but these were the high points. I can’t believe people actually even try half this shit..

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This morning, while perusing the news on-line, I came across some bullshit relationship article. I’m normally not one to read such crap, but I was in the mood for a bit of fluff and was curious about the writer’s claims that by following her tips, you can make your marriage 25% better! After reading the article, I came to the conclusion that not only does this writer know nothing about men or relationships, but she has deeper issues regarding reality.

So, I’ve decided to post her tips to the masses, followed by some real tips.

She starts off with this gem…

Prioritize Love

“Focus your attention on wanting to rekindle the fire,” says Dr. Ritvo. “So many couples move from day to day without thinking about their relationship.” One night after the kids are asleep, pour two glasses of wine and tell your husband that you want to invest more energy in what you have together. It’s the first step to revving up the romance.

Now, I don’t know about you, but while this sounds good in theory, it’s not that realistic. Usually after the kids are asleep, the dishes are done, bills are paid, pets taken care and after you’ve already worked all day and had to communicate with idgits all day, the last thing people want to do is invest more energy by talking to their spouses about how unsatisfied they are and how to ‘fix’ their relationship – Especially over wine. That shit will either put you right to sleep, or make you stupid enough to actually start listing everything you hate about each other. Lord knows if I pulled this crap with pookie, he’d have me committed.

I suggest the following alternative – Understand that the honeymoon was over a long time ago. You and your spouse have responsibilities to your children, your home, your jobs, and you are now partners in life… not horny teenagers in the back of car. Once you accept the fact that romance is different now – and more mature, you’ll be on your way to being actual grown-ups that understand that real, everyday life is what matters and what will make or break a relationship. Make dinner together with your kids, do yard work together, pick her a fresh flower, or get him a beer or scotch without him asking you…. It’s the little things that matter and that show you’re thinking about each other. Not dissecting every little problem to death over fucking wine.

Get In Your Head

To be happy with your husband, you may have to re-train your brain, says Achor. For 21 days in a row, write down one new thing you’re grateful for about your husband. “Research shows that by the end of those three weeks, you will have taught your brain to be more appreciative and loving toward your mate,” she says.

OK. I’ve been in my head and it’s an ugly place to be… and as for coming up with one different thing for 21 days in row that drives me wild about pookie and that I’m grateful for? Well, let’s just say if that’s the bar, I’m fucked and so are you. If you have ‘teach’ your brain to appreciate someone, that’s not a good sign. It’s also unrealistic to force yourself to appreciate someone every second of every day. And really, if you have to make a damn list to help you with this, you probably need therapy in a big way. After all, real life dictates that there is a natural ebb and flow to relationships. Some days, your partner does something that makes you want to hit them in the head with a cast iron skillet, but then the next day, they do something that makes wonder why you could ever be angry with them… (BTW, I made a list in my head of all the things I appreciate about pookie… I came up with 13 ½. Because there’s one thing I appreciate most days, and other days not so much and 13 ½ is pretty damn good from where I’m sitting!)

Reflect On Your Life

Break out the wedding and photo albums and reminisce over all the good times you’ve shared together. “It’s important to stop and think about what brought you together and what you’ve achieved as a couple,” says Ritvo. Consider the life you’ve built—the trips you’ve taken, the home you’ve created, the children you’ve raised. Taking stock of your past will deepen your desire for a glowing future together.

Taking stock of the past is something I do anyway. In fact, I cling to it! It’s a horrible habit and one that I’m trying to break. Plus, pookie is not one for reminiscing for two reasons… one, he’s a firm believer that the past should stay there – it’s all about the future baby! Two, well, frankly… his recall isn’t that great. Plus, you have to consider the fact that most of the pictures of us together on any sort of vacation show us shit-faced drunk with friends and doing incredibly stupid things we’d rather forget about anyway. Reflecting on the fun you had can lead to reflecting on the fun you are currently not having and obsessing over it. It’s stupid and pointless.

I suggest reflecting on a future vacation. Hit your partner up for ideas on somewhere you haven’t been too yet and make some new memories together… preferably sober and clothed ones that you can share with your family and friends!

Brag About Your Man

When you’re out with your friends, make sure the first few things you say about your plus-one are positive. “Many people lead with the negative, and your brain gets stuck there,” says Achor. Try the positive instead. Your friends will see the good in your relationship, and so will you.

Ummm… ok. Sure. But I don’t like to brag and make my friends feel like shit about their lousy relationships, or lack thereof. It’s just mean. Besides, when I’m out with my friends, I’m grateful to be having a good time and talking about things that don’t involve my family, my work and other stuff. It’s called not being in high-school and wearing rose colored glasses.

Now this is not to say I don’t ever talk about pookie, or say something that could be construed as insulting towards him, but hey… I’m human. So is he for that matter and the reality is, if you’re with friends, you get to talk about the good and the bad should it come up. It’s also called discretion.

Take A Dance Class

It takes two to tango, as they say, and shimmying with your partner can strengthen your bond in so many ways. “It puts you back in touch with each other physically, gets your hormones pumping, makes you feel better about your body, even makes you feel more feminine (and him more masculine),” says Ritvo. Dancing with your hubby is also an opportunity to play together—and a huge part of being deeply in love.

Sweet Jesus, what the hell is this crap? I couldn’t drag him to a tango class if his life depended on it and he would fall over dead from laughing if I even suggested it! It may take two to tango, but only one pair of left feet and a terrible case of white girl rhythm syndrome to make you feel like a fat, clumsy, and ridiculous clown. And really… in this economy, who the hell has money to waste on dancing lessons? Let’s leave that for the kiddies.

Instead, while you both are home (and if the kids are there, it’s great too!) crank up the stereo and just start bopping around the house like fools. No one there to tell you you’re doing it wrong, no one to impress, and it’s just fun. Why do you need to take lessons on how to have five minutes of stupid fun?

Rewrite Your Vows

Go back to where your marriage started. Examine what you love about your marriage and what you’d like to see evolve. Write it all down together. Maybe even consider a small backyard ceremony and recite your new vows with close family and friends around you.

Here she goes again with reflecting, analyzing and dissecting everything to death – again! And what the hell is it with her and the past? You really want to evolve? How about you just tell each other that you love each other and why… it’s pretty damn simple, easy to do if it’s the truth, and no one needs to waste money by making a spectacle out of themselves by having yet another damn ceremony to prove how much you love each other to everyone else. Be adults and grow up….

Have Girls’ Night

Yep, that’s right. If you want to love your husband, then love your friends, says Achor. “The greater your social support, the better you are at being patient and happy when you’re with your husband.”

I should think this would be common sense… you know, having a life outside of just your partner. If you really need to be told this, you shouldn’t be in a relationship period. Friends are good – now go make some. While you’re at it, let your husband have some too and stop freakin’ obsessing over every little thing he might be doing when he’s out your line of vision. If either of you fuck up, then it’s time to reconsider the whole marriage thing – unless you’re both into that sort of thing.

Tackle A Joint Project

It could be remodeling the kitchen, re-landscaping the front yard or building a killer CD collection. “Working on a joint project that helps you feel successful and creative is a great way to strengthen your bond,” says Dr. Ritvo.

This woman has clearly lost her mind. This right here is the quickest way to end up in divorce court. He will either want to kill you for forcing French provincial furniture and pink checkered wallpaper in the bathroom on him, or you will kill him for building an underground bunker to escape your nagging, obsessive ass. Then there is the problem of who is ‘right’ when it comes to having the required skills in doing these stupid projects.

Instead, take the money you saved from not taking those dumb ass tango lessons and not renewing your vows, and hire a professional to do upgrade your kitchen, and make sure you have enough money left over to take a vacation together while he’s doing it.

Read Together

We feel the greatest love when we feel as though we’re growing with someone, says Achor. Find a positive, engaging book and read five pages a day. In the evenings, chat about the book. “This will give you a shared ritual, fuel deeper conversations and train your brains for a greater happiness together,” says Achor.

I love to read. My husband does not. In fact, he still insists the worst the thing he ever did was buy me a kindle because I pay more attention to that instead of him. Whatever… the point here is that you are not five years old and do not need to be reading The Notebook together, never mind turn your marriage in to a god damn book club. You want to grow together as a couple? Then have some outside interests and things you do separately from one another! Stop forcing all this stupid chick shit on each other. Guys, teach her about something she doesn’t know about… like sports, or how to change the oil in her car, and be patient while you do it. (this goes both ways for the girls out there who can rebuild an engine but whose husbands have trouble locating the gas cap) Ladies? Try teaching him about something you know, or can do…

We all have different interests, strengths and weaknesses. The trick is being receptive enough to learn from each other… not pretentiously mooning over the latest Nicolas Sparks book together. Because that really kind of gay. And remember, you can’t expect your partner to embrace what you’re teaching them just because you do… the point is to share and maybe understand something that might be important to them.

Have More Sex

“When you have sex, your brain releases oxytocin, a hormone that will make you feel more attached to each other. Frequency is key to making intimacy a constant in your relationship,” says Achor. “The more, the merrier.”

No shit Sherlock. We’d all love to get laid more and in theory, it sounds like a great fucking plan to me. However, if you have to be reminded to have sex and have to look at the scientific reasons WHY getting laid more is good for your marriage, then you’re already in deep shit.

The reality is, no couples sex life is perfect after a few years… the glow fades, the frequency tapers off and the “OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO HAVE YOU RIGHT NOW!” is sorely missing at times. That’s life. Kids, work, paying the mortgage so you don’t get foreclosed upon… well, these things don’t always add up to black lace and banana hammocks getting tossed around the bedroom. If people would just stop stressing out about how much sex they used to have together and how freakin’ hot it was and how it’s not like it used to be, then maybe they’d laid more often. Sex as you get older together evolves, just like everything else. If you stop stressing about it, you can relax enough to notice little things about your partner that actually turn you on, instead of forcing yourself to get turned on, dig? Go with the flow, so to speak and stop feeling like you supposed to be having more sex than you actually are and appreciate the sex you do have! Because really… doing it up against the washer in the middle of the afternoon when it’s unexpected is way hotter than planning it all out, scheduling it and worrying about whether it’s good enough and if you’re ‘rebuilding’ your intimacy properly.

If we all keep thinking that our happiness is the only thing that matters and we try to force unrealistic expectations on our partners (along with forcing them to do the most retarded things ever to prove their love for us), then no one will ever meet them and your relationship will fail. So what if your hubby comes home from an afternoon of fishing and left you alone with the kids all day! They’re your kids too and it’s not all about you and he deserves at least one day to smell like low tide and stale beer. Who cares if your wife doesn’t feel like picking up your shit, doing your dishes and listening to you drone on about everything she didn’t do while you were on that boat… She’s not your maid and broodmare, she’s your fucking wife. Stop thinking that it isn’t fair your every whim and desire aren’t met… it never will be, so be grateful for the good, show some common respect for each other, and shit will be just fine. Oh, and don’t forget to do it up against the washing machine… really. But if you need tips on how to ‘rekindle’ the flame, there’s an article on that too… but that’s another entry entirely!

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It’s been a whirlwind! The Dirtie Girl Cleaning Service and Homestead is now an official and legitimate business… Yay! Of course, now the real work begins with marketing, customers, financial crap, and all the other fun and fantastic things that go into starting a business, lol. But it feels good to be finally doing something that is actually serving some sort of purpose.

The past few days, I’ve been busy with preparing and gathering supplies for our upcoming Hurricane season too. I’m not exactly sure what is up with all these tornadoes popping up in the mid-west, but Virginia has been getting they’re share of them as well. 7 people dead just in the towns surrounding us because of them. It’s not normal weather for here, yet tornado’s are becoming increasingly common now. I can only only wonder what the hurricane season will bring us… so it’s best to be prepared.

I’m also gearing up for another trip north to Massachusetts. My Aunt is taking another much needed mini-break with my Uncle, so I will be heading up there to take care of Gram. This trip has me thinking about a few different things. I’ve realized I’ve completely lost touch with a friend of mine for starters. I’m not sure how it happened or why… it could be that we’re both just so busy that we haven’t had the time, but in my gut, I feel it’s more than that. We have very different lifestyles and priorities and I think we may have just grown apart. I know that recent choices we have made in our lives has left each other baffled in some ways. To put it bluntly, we just don’t seem to understand each other anymore and in retrospect, I suppose we haven’t in quite some time. While a part of me is sad about this, another part also knows it’s the natural ebb and flow of things… and of life in general.

Something else that has been crossing my mind is of course, my daughter. In so many ways, my head is the clearest it’s been in years regarding that whole situation, but the underlying restlessness and wanting to make it right has been bubbling. All the mistakes me, her father, and damn near everyone in her life, including her, have made can’t erase one simple truth. And that is I love her and wish it had been different. That it could be different. But I said my piece in that last letter to her months ago… right or wrong, I made the choice to walk away and put it in her hands whether she wanted to have any sort of relationship with me in the future. The sad fact is, that only put the final nail in the coffin and my own inability to deal with the constant barrage of bullshit drove it in to point it can never be recovered. I will never get to take her shopping for her prom dress… meet her boyfriends, get invited to her graduations… I will never get to see her try on a wedding dress or get married, and I will never get to meet any grandbabies I might have in the future.

So now I have to wonder if saving my sanity and hers was worth everything her and I will miss in the future or if I should have spent my life fighting to be part of all those things… to be a part of her life, only to be denied anyway by THEM. Either way, her and I are going miss it all and can’t help but wonder if any of it was worth it. Losing me was never going to impact her as negatively as having me in her life did… so maybe this is all for the best. But perhaps I’m looking at it all wrong… Because haven’t my actions and her father’s actions cost her as well?

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